Journal of Nightmare 2: The Maze

It's just a vivid dream today. It started pleasant. I was in a trip with three of my best friends. We were hunting for restaurants.

I still can't drive well, so I leave my car (in reality, I can't even drive that car, yet 😂). We went to places by public transportations like we used to do in college days. We joked around and laughed together. I was happy in that dream.

Then, we arrived at a restaurant in the middle of nowhere. It was like a dry savannah around us.

We had to go through some kind of labyrinth to access the main dining room. My friends walked so fast, still cheerfull. It was a dark and suffocating maze, so I was getting panic. Claustrophobic and lost for a while.

Then I managed to get out of the labyrinth and woke up.

Two days in a row. What's wrong with me and strange restaurants? 😂

Journal of Nightmare 1: A Strange Party

Woke up from one of my countless nightmares at dawn. It was an exhausting dream as always.

This time it's so clear and gets even weirder. Should I make journal about nightmares? I have it almost every night anyway. At least writing it down will be fun 😂

I was in a small party. Everyone was a stranger and they all wore similar brown batik, as if it's someone wedding. I was one of the guests, too.

The room felt suffocating. I looked up and stared at a stranger, a tall guy I never seen before staring back at me.

I asked him with my eyes, "Who are you?"

He remained silent and stared at me more intensely.

We stood so close to each other, as if don't want to let go of each other.

Then I saw my ex stood up across the room. I recognized him immediately, but his face look like a stranger somehow. He smirked devilishly and I can't move my eyes from him. But I'm holding the tall guy in front of me tighter. "This one in my arms is my boyfriend," I whispered to myself.

The room turned into chaos. Everyone was running around. A male guest stood next to us was stabbed by another man, with a small knife. It sank deep in his abdomen.

I took my boyfriend's hand and we ran from the chaotic party. Turns out, it's a very spatious restaurant on the hill. We have to go up and down many staircases before manage to go outside.

We ran as fast as we could, passing a female guest with headscarf who asked herself, "Why couldn't I run faster?"

I wonder what kind of dream analysis it can make 😂

Happy New Year

Happy new year, me.

You did great last year.

Life hit you as hard as before, but you cry less.

You keep your sanity most of the time.

You manage to achieve many things between all those mess.

New side job, few million rupiahs, new laptop, photography, excellence in job, great time together with your very best friends. Those were fantastic achievements for 2020.

You stressed a lot, depressed a lot and it affected your health sometimes. But you got through it with dignity. "I won't crawling at my bed like a weakling, feeling defeated," you said. And that's what you did.

So, let's do it again this year. You have many ideas and goals this year. Let's go kick some asses.

Thanks for The Coffee

We always have that kind of mixed feelings about each other, I'm sure about it.

We won't always get along, I don't even know if we're still get along. I decided to stay away to give both of us time to heal.

But one thing that never change, I always have something related to her to be thankful for. Back then, I was thankful for the honest answers for my questions and the plain truth. Lately, it's for her recommendation of coffee beans. I'm officially a coffee drinker now and I thank you for that, lady.

Life sucks for women like us, but I hope you will always stand tall and tell it to fuck off.

Vertical Horizon's Everything You Want

Today I mumbled Vertical Horizon's Everything You Want over and over. Over and over. But the lyrics was altered.

He's everything I want, he's everything I need, he's everything inside of me that I wish I could be.

He said all the right things and exactly the right time.

But he means nothing to me and I don't know why.

I guess I'm just troubled, too complicated to appreciate your simplicity. All I know is broken things, the lips that I kissed were painted with lies, your pure soul is alien to me. So believe me when I say you're too good for me. I just don't know how to love anything that's not colored in black :)

One Man Show with No Audience

Funny how people like me being loud when no one listening or watching.

Funny how I restrain myself so much on social medias and post on this personal blog almost every hour.

Well, I'm secretly a performer. But my show will never have audience. That's how I like it.

Mirror, Mirror on The Wall

Mirror, mirror on the wall

Tell me, am I unworthy to be loved for my true self?

Am I doomed to be a replacement of someone else for eternity?

Every humanbeing walks on the embrace of mother earth, carrying invisible weight inside.

That person holds the rock of sadness for years, took light steps, as if the world means nothing to him.

She sews the bleeding wound called disappointment, while staring at the sun, as if challenge the world.

You understand, and it's enough for now.

Maybe you'll never be able to tell him how selfish he was, taking you for granted and then blame you for making him doing so.

Maybe you'll never have a heart to tell her how the word 'replacement' and 'copycat' cut so deep inside you.

They're more miserable than you. You feel bad for them.

You understand and it's enough for now.

You admit that you still pray, someday he will make peace with the demon inside him.

You know you'll forgive him someday, though you don't need to let him in your life again to do so.

You know you'll always count her as a friend.

You hope that she will find true happiness someday.

It's all good and that's enough for now.

Now it's time to back off, step aside, and talk to the reflection in the mirror.

The image is getting dull and blurry.

Mixed up with someone else's face.

She cries a river, begging for your attention in silence.

She needs you the most.

So tell her right now.

Smile, because you're the most beautiful when you do that.

No, don't change yourself just to be the opposite of another person.

Yes, being you is good enough for life.

Chin up, because you deserved to be loved for who you are and you will.