The Old Fling

Ah, finally it's you again. Among the guys who keeps coming back, I never count you in. Because I hated you the most. I avoided you at all cost.

Now, all of them had gone. I'm relieved, because it's for the best. But, I can't help but feeling lonely sometimes. And here you are, coming back when I need someone just to talk to at nights. Anyone, I don't even care who. But, there's only you right now.

I guess you're lonely, too. That's why you checked on me every other month, regardless of my coldness. And you're kind of curious, because you knew we had mutual attraction once.

Maybe not once, I don't even remember anymore. We've been doing this thing called flirting since 2014 or 2015. On and off. Hot and cold.

I'm no longer the girl you were attracted to, and so are you. But here we are, after gaining tons of kilograms later, picking up where we left off, because both of us is still keeping the nostalgia.

We are flirting with the memories we had, not with each other. I'm just using you to feel desirable again. You're using me to fill your lonely nights. Unfortunately, it has to be you, it has to be me. Because, there's no one left anymore.

Of course, sometimes I wish there's another scenario where we can be something much more than this. But, the path was never there and never will. This is all we can be to each other.

I don't want us to be attached more than this, so I said to you, "There's no need to update me about your activities."

I tried to limit our interaction, but I guess it's much easier to look for each other. Now, I'm used to you telling me about the trivial things you did before texting me. Now, it feels natural for me to tell you to go to sleep, take a bath, or have lunch. Well, this is too much.

My last defense is weak. I still refuse to update you with my trivial things. I hide my fragile side, avoid telling you about my problems, even the smallest ones. Hopefully, I will never cross that line.

You said I should tell you directly if get angry at you again, not ghosted you like I used to do. But, boy, I think someday I will do it again. Maybe you don't mind we be in this state for as long as possible, but I'm not as easygoing as you think.

Not a Fighter

I don't feel like a fighter right now.

More like a loser defeated 30 times over.

Just because I'm fat 😂

See, being someone insecure who gained confidence from looks all your life are dangerous, because when you lose that beauty, you lose everything. And who doesn't get old, wrinkly, put on some weight over time? None.

Whatever, let's work that ass again tomorrow. At least having healthy body will keep you sane. Let's try a little more and be patient for the weight loss.

Whom I Love The Most

Most of the time, people you love the most are the ones who test your patience the most.

People who grow up with you, people who raise you for decades are the ones who's capable of pushing the buttons 😂

For people who throws your anger easily, everywhere, everytime, oh yes it's good not to let negative emotions stay inside you for too long. Bur realize this, you hurt people around you in the process. There are people who don't show their emotions often, but it doesn't mean they don't get affected by your random anger. You put them through hell daily. You put us in hell everyday. You put me to hell.

And when we finally explode, you said, "What's wrong with you?"

No, what the hell is wrong with you? What do you think will happen when people like us fed up with your daily fights? What do you think will happen if a pipe is filled with too many dirts for so long? It's cracked.

Sometimes we just can't take it anymore. Why not learn to think first before throwing tantrums and badmouthing randomly? How about trying to understand other people's feeling sometimes?

Journal of Nightmare 2: The Maze

It's just a vivid dream today. It started pleasant. I was in a trip with three of my best friends. We were hunting for restaurants.

I still can't drive well, so I leave my car (in reality, I can't even drive that car, yet 😂). We went to places by public transportations like we used to do in college days. We joked around and laughed together. I was happy in that dream.

Then, we arrived at a restaurant in the middle of nowhere. It was like a dry savannah around us.

We had to go through some kind of labyrinth to access the main dining room. My friends walked so fast, still cheerfull. It was a dark and suffocating maze, so I was getting panic. Claustrophobic and lost for a while.

Then I managed to get out of the labyrinth and woke up.

Two days in a row. What's wrong with me and strange restaurants? 😂

Journal of Nightmare 1: A Strange Party

Woke up from one of my countless nightmares at dawn. It was an exhausting dream as always.

This time it's so clear and gets even weirder. Should I make journal about nightmares? I have it almost every night anyway. At least writing it down will be fun 😂

I was in a small party. Everyone was a stranger and they all wore similar brown batik, as if it's someone wedding. I was one of the guests, too.

The room felt suffocating. I looked up and stared at a stranger, a tall guy I never seen before staring back at me.

I asked him with my eyes, "Who are you?"

He remained silent and stared at me more intensely.

We stood so close to each other, as if don't want to let go of each other.

Then I saw my ex stood up across the room. I recognized him immediately, but his face look like a stranger somehow. He smirked devilishly and I can't move my eyes from him. But I'm holding the tall guy in front of me tighter. "This one in my arms is my boyfriend," I whispered to myself.

The room turned into chaos. Everyone was running around. A male guest stood next to us was stabbed by another man, with a small knife. It sank deep in his abdomen.

I took my boyfriend's hand and we ran from the chaotic party. Turns out, it's a very spatious restaurant on the hill. We have to go up and down many staircases before manage to go outside.

We ran as fast as we could, passing a female guest with headscarf who asked herself, "Why couldn't I run faster?"

I wonder what kind of dream analysis it can make 😂

Happy New Year

Happy new year, me.

You did great last year.

Life hit you as hard as before, but you cry less.

You keep your sanity most of the time.

You manage to achieve many things between all those mess.

New side job, few million rupiahs, new laptop, photography, excellence in job, great time together with your very best friends. Those were fantastic achievements for 2020.

You stressed a lot, depressed a lot and it affected your health sometimes. But you got through it with dignity. "I won't crawling at my bed like a weakling, feeling defeated," you said. And that's what you did.

So, let's do it again this year. You have many ideas and goals this year. Let's go kick some asses.

Thanks for The Coffee

We always have that kind of mixed feelings about each other, I'm sure about it.

We won't always get along, I don't even know if we're still get along. I decided to stay away to give both of us time to heal.

But one thing that never change, I always have something related to her to be thankful for. Back then, I was thankful for the honest answers for my questions and the plain truth. Lately, it's for her recommendation of coffee beans. I'm officially a coffee drinker now and I thank you for that, lady.

Life sucks for women like us, but I hope you will always stand tall and tell it to fuck off.